Begin Again

It has been a few weeks since I have updated you guys and gosh, so much has happened in this last month.   For starters, I sold my house.  It is no longer mine….or ours…..it is someone else’s home now and this is so strange to me.  Isn’t it always a little sad to sell a house, even under happy circumstances?  I still do random drive by’s to the first home Matt and I bought together.  It’s where we brought our first three kids home and where we said goodbye to our Isabella.

So I have done an emotional sell and move like this before…..I was prepared for the hard parts, the sad parts and the pull my hair out parts.  It was of course very different this time, as I was doing it alone and that changed everything for sure.  No more lying in bed with Matt dreaming of our new home and hatching our new dreams together.  Nobody to call when shit hits the fan and it’s just me now……I have to just rely on me to figure this out.  Truly, this was definitely the smoothest and easiest home buying and selling experience EVER.  I continue to be amazed at how well it all worked out.  I mean, a year ago I had zero credit.  I did not know how to pay our bills.  I was completely in the dark and content with it.  Today, I have credit and it’s good credit.  I worked on it diligently and quietly these last few months in preparation for this moment.  Today, I am a home owner.  I did this 100% on my own and I’m super proud of that.  I know Matt is too……I feel him cheering me on all the time these days.  IMG_1984

Naturally, this day was incredibly emotional for me.  Not only had I given away the keys to the home my love poured his heart into and ultimately took his last breath in, I was moving forward with our lives in a huge and major way…..on my own.  I was part proud and excited for the future and part depressed and weepy over saying goodbye to the old.  I was a mixed bag as always.   The hardest part was the moment after all the papers had been signed and the keys were handed over and I got into my car.  Every other time I’ve bought a house with Matt we always go grab a drink at the nearest bar to celebrate.  It had just become our thing.  This revelation hit me like a ton of bricks right in my chest.  In my singleness, it is just me.  Michelle.  Party of one.  I mean, what am I going to do? Go celebrate on my own?  Grab a drink solo?  Well, yeah….I could….and I would have, but it was 10 am! Haha.  So I just went to my new home and set up house.

The kids and I have settled in and we really, truly love our new home.  It just felt like home right away and I am so very grateful for the space to heal and grow and love.  It will be hard work to pay for this house and I’m more than willing to do it.  It is mine and I’m super proud of that.  I set up all the utilities and internet and TV by myself.  I learned how to hang pictures and use a level and set anchors.  I’m unclogging toilets, mowing and paying bills.  Filling Matt’s big shoes while somehow still dancing in mine.  It’s a tough balancing act and I wouldn’t wish it on any of you, but I’m doing it.  Not by choice to be sure, but I’m still doing it.  IMG_1933.JPG

A little peek of our new place.  I swoon every time I turn on that light.  It is so prettttttttty.

I did something else last month, that is a huge deal for me and lifetime dream come true…..I took a little trip to NYC with a friend.  We had planned it months ago and had no idea I would not only be selling my house, but literally moving the week after this trip.  What can I say?  I’m always exciting.  I have wanted to go to NYC since I was a teenager and used to dream of living there on my own as a single girl.  A huge part of Matt and I’s early relationship included watching Sex and the City every Sunday night together on HBO.  Bless Matt’s heart, he watched every single episode with me and even took me to see each movie.  Saint I tell you.  (Now don’t kid yourselves, he smart assed his way through every single show and movie I promise!)  So, NYC…..it happened and I loved it.  It was exciting, beautiful, dirty, smelly, at times rude, loud all the time…..ALL THE TIME, heartbreaking, life affirming, eye opening and down right amazing.  It truly is the greatest city in the world.  There is just so much life happening at every moment, on every corner.  I needed to see this, to feel it and to be reminded that I am still here for a reason.  I am living and breathing.  Yes….yes, I am. IMG_1699

Times Square…..I totally squealed like dork.  I mean it’s TIME SQUARE.  Total Okie right here.

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Our first meal in NYC was at this cozy authentic Irish pub.  The food and atmosphere were so great, this was by far my favorite spot on the trip.

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Rockefeller Center.  I mean, it’s a tourist must see, right?

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NYSE

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The Statue of Liberty.  We had to take the coldest boat ride ever to see this beauty.  But I got to see the Hudson River, Brooklyn Bridge, and amazing views of the NYC skyline.  Totally worth it.

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The Empire State Building…..it is as massive as you think.  The weather was cloudy and rainy almost the entire time, so trip to the top wasn’t worth it to me.  But I had to at least see it.

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This is Times Square around 11 pm as we headed back to our hotel in a cab.  People are everywhere with no signs of slowing down.  I loved it.

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These houses are so iconic NYC in my mind.  I used to dream of living in one and walking to central park to play with my future kids.  After visiting, I know I could never live there, but it’s always fun to dream.

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Did you guys know I’m gluten free?  Well, I am.  I know, what a jerk face.  It’s a health issue for me, I’m not a hipster you guys.  I swear….scouts honor.  😉  On our last day there I decided I needed to spend some time on my own.  See if I could really do this whole solo gig.  If I choose to do this life alone, what will it be like to explore a city solo?  Can I eat dinner alone?  Sit with myself and just watch life happen.  So I struck out on my own in a huge city.  It was scary at first, I won’t lie.  And lonely.  And sad.  But I explored and shopped and eventually landed at a cool pub and had dinner and drank amazing beers by myself for two hours.  I watched people laugh and enjoy the company of others and soaked it in.  I did some thinking and decided I totally hate being by myself, ha!  I felt sad and of course thought how much more fun I would be having if Matt were there with me.  We would try different beers and watch the homeless people on the street flip off the people who don’t give them money (true story) and laugh.  We would have talked about what we loved about the city and what we absolutely hated about it.  (The smells in case you’re wondering…..its bad.)  Instead I just sat quietly alone and watched others live out their lives and made up stories about them.  I mean, let’s be honest….that’s highly entertaining.  Then I flew home to my babies whom I missed so dang much.  Gosh for as much as they make me lose my ever-loving-mind, I sure do miss them when I don’t see them for two days.  Little turds…..I love ’em.

That’s my last trip until I’m done with nursing school.  I’m a broke widow/college student/single mom.  Unless someone else is footing the bill, (anyone looking to be my secret travel benefactor? It’s an open position, just saying)  we are traveled out for now and that’s OK.  I’m ready to dig in to this new life, this new Michelle and this new future with my kids.  I’ll have my hands full finishing my degree and carving out a life for us here in our new home.  Beginning Again.  Life is full of endings and beginnings whether we like it or not I guess.  How we choose to embrace them is everything.

My heart knows that the one year mark is coming closer and closer.  I am trying to prepare myself for this day, this moment in time.  One whole year without Matt in my life.  It seems impossible to me still…..and I often wonder if it will ever feel like this is my real life now.  I’m actually living without Matt by my side.  I still dream of Matt often and he is always alive…..sometimes he’s sick and sometimes he’s healthy, but he’s always alive and so real to me that when I wake up it’s so painful because I remember again that he died.  He is gone and I long to sleep so I can be with him again.  I am always happy/sad after those dreams because I get to see him and talk to him and laugh with him and it all feels so real, so near.  Yet incredibly sad because it isn’t real, that is no longer my life and it breaks my heart all over again.  This whole life thing is……..well, it’s something.  It’s something, indeed.

 

3 comments

  1. Lynda · May 4

    So very proud of you!

    Like

  2. runawaywidow · May 4

    what beautiful photos you shared of NYC and nice memories of your time there with Matt. The one year mark is just another day. Treat yourself to a special distraction. Live life for both of you.

    Like

  3. Linda · June 15

    I haven’t seen your posts in some time. I am so happy for all that you’ve accomplished on your own. My prayers today: Father, please continue to comfort, heal, and strengthen Michelle. Walk each day with her, guiding her as she navigates her way through this life. Watch over and protect her children and heal their hearts, too. Give her a restful and clear mind with school and all that she handles while doing that. Put those near that will help, uplift, and just be there. In Jesus’ name. Amen

    Like

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